Stepping out of my comfort zone.

So, today I did something I swore I would NEVER do...I competed in my first crossfit competition. I cannot lie, it was HARD. Going in my goal was to not come in last....I came in 10th out of 19 (although their was a Hope Solo and Hellen Keller so it was probably out of 17, but who is splitting hairs here!) Apparently the way to get me to do things is to make me swear I never will, and then I will (hence a few half marathons and natural childbirth). As I was mentally preparing myself for this competition and struggling through the feelings of not wanting to look like a complete idiot and completely failing I had to do a little self reflection and self talk.

I HATE trying things if I know I won't be good at it. Having children has been the biggest push for me to analyze my behavior so that if their are things I need to work on, I work on. I want to be a mom that is an example to my kids. I want them to know that if they work hard they can do ANYTHING. They may not be the best at it, but they can be better than they were. I don't want what they "think" they can do to define them. I want them to embrace hard work. I want them to fight to be better at all they do. I can't hold them to that standard if I don't hold myself to that, so today I pulled a FREAKING car and about died doing 3 other WODS. Where did I observe people trying and failing and trying and failing and they still kept trying....my siblings.

I'm 1 of 5 kids. What some of you may not know is that 3 of my 5 siblings have some learning struggles. I grew up watching both my brothers and my younger sister struggle at most of the things they attempted. I watched them be made fun of because they were usually last or close to it. I watched them fight to learn and do things that came pretty naturally to me and my youngest sister.  You know what else I watched, I watched them try NO MATTER WHAT! They didn't let their learning struggles define them. They didn't let the scoffers deter them from at least trying. They are AMAZING! They go into each situation holding their head high, trying as hard as they humanly can and then, be proud of what they accomplished, but not only that, they are the most loyal and encouraging humans on the planet. If they are in your corner you will have a cheerleader for life. I want my kids to be just like them. I don't want them to be so prideful (like me) that they don't even try. I want them to set a goal and reach, no matter what! No matter if they are going to come in last....I want them to TRY. I don't want their circumstances to define them, I want them to define their circumstances, just like my siblings do!

Today I competed with my younger brother Adam. The first WOD he had never done a movement at the weight that was required. That didn't stop him....he muscled his way through and finished that WOD like a beast. The second WOD was a movement he could barely lift at 55 pounds that morning. We worked on it together for a while and he had a personal best of 85 pounds 3 times. He pulled a giant truck and pushed through one of the most challenging WODs I've done in a while. He may have came in last, but he is the very BEST in my book. Adam, you are my hero and I had so much fun with you today!

Now I am going to go pass out.

Self Worth and Raising Girls

So, a few months ago I had my first big moment of feeling like, as a parent, I was failing. Now, I regularly feel like I am royally screwing up this mom thing, but this moment was different. Bailey Kate had come downstairs and was checking herself out in the mirror. Since my girl could find her reflection in anything she would stop and admire what she saw. I was worried I would have to figure out how to make her not so narcissistic because she LOVES herself, but I realized on that day a few months ago I was doing damage, I was leaving scars. Let me back up...

I remember the moment I became aware of my size and how it related to other people. I was in the second grade. I was in the hallway at school and my whole class was being measured and weighed for field day. I was the last in line. I remember playing with the girl in front of me without a care in the world. I remember she got weighed and measured and then it was my turn. I weighed 70 pounds. I don't remember what the other girl weighed, but it was less than me and she said "woah, you weigh more than me so you are fatter." That was it, the moment I started to let my size affect my self worth. This has been a life long struggle, fighting the feeling that the way I look defines who I am. No matter what size I have been I have always wanted to be thinner. I, too often, let how I look rob me of my peace and joy and I don't want that for my girls.

So, back to that day. I watched BK look in the mirror expecting the usual hair flip or the hilarious chat she would have with her reflection, but this day I saw her turn to the side, suck her stomach in and ask me, "mom, do I look fat?" ugh! A punch to the gut!!!! My sweet, care free, confident, self loving little girl was looking at her reflection and not liking what she saw. What made it even worse was that I knew she had heard me ask that question. I knew that she had seen me change my outfit multiple times and hear me mutter under my breath about how fat I felt, or how she would hear me say that I didn't want to eat something because it would make me fat. I was part of why my girl asked this question.

In this culture so much worth is placed on outward appearance. If you got your information from our culture you would quickly see what we as a society put value on is how you look. So, as a mom of girls how am I going to raise these treasures to realize that no matter how God made you are valuable! In that moment as my heart broke I realized I can change this. I called her over and hugged her tight. I told her she was beautiful and strong and healthy. I also said that us Nettles girls don't ever ask if we are fat, we ask if we look strong and healthy. I smooched that girl and sent her on her way.

I immediately purposed to NEVER comment on my size or how ugly I felt that day. I purposed to NEVER speak of food or exercise as the enemy. I have been super blessed with a husband (and parents) that NEVER make me feel like my size matters at all. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, I know he loves me for so much more than what I look like. I want this for my girls, but in order to find a man like this, especially in this oversexualized culture, they have to know their worth is not defined by their appearance.

In the last few years I have purposed to not let my worth be defined by outward things, and I have to teach my children this. I have taken active roles to help with this. I think it is important to feel good about yourself and to take care of the body God has given you. After Jude I started running and doing Crossfit. I continued Crossfit through my pregnancy with Rose. Though I still would love to be thinner I know that I am strong and healthy. My kids come with me every day to the gym and watch me sweat. They watch me take this time for myself to be HEALTHY and strong. BK watches me. Bailey Kate begged me for months to start crossfit and after her little mirror incident I couldn't get her there fast enough. The other day she came up to me after a class and said, "mom, I look super strong don't I?" "yes, baby girl, you look super strong!"

My prayer for my girls, and goal in this crazy thing called parenting, is that they would realize that they are not valuable because of how they look or how smart they are. They are valuable because they are made in the image of Jesus. They are valuable because they are kind and generous and patient and gentle and strong. They are valuable because they were made to make a difference in this world and love others. I want them to know that their mommy and daddy and brothers love them NO MATTER WHAT! I want them to never struggle with how they look because they are so confident in the person God has made them to be.

Me and my beautiful baby girls

Side note: I want this all for my boys to, but I think it translates a little differently for girls in this day in age.

For those of you who think I have it all together

So, occasionally people will tell me they think I'm amazing, or super mom or have super powers. I'll be honest this makes me kind of anxious because it couldn't be farther from the truth. Having people put me on a pedastool makes me really nervous because the pain associated with falling off the pedastool when I disappoint said people is no fun....so, to avoid this pain altogether I'm going to give you a few examples of why I am most definitely NOT super mom!

• Today at Crossfit I couldn't figure out why Rose was screaming throughout the WOD. She is usually happy to sit in her car seat and observe, but not today. After I finished I picked her up thinking she was just hungry, but no....she, and her car seat, were covered in sh*t! I,  dripping with sweat, picked her up and took her to the car to get her cleaned up (all while my 4 year old was roaming freely around the gym, with no shoes). Of course I couldn't find any wipes so I did what any normal person would do and took her to the bathroom, washed her in the sink and dried her with paper towels (sorry Bobby). Most normal people would head home and clean the car seat and such, not me!!! I put a paper towel in the car seat and headed to target! 
• My 4 year old loses his shoes on the daily. I don't mean at home, I mean like drops them in random places never to be seen again. Most moms would make sure he had shoes when leaving places, but somehow this slips through the cracks most days. Instead of heading home and getting more shoes I've given up and he just goes barefoot. So, when you see him out with nasty jiffy feet you'll know why!
• I feed my children chemical filled, processed Ramen noodle soup at least once a week...and they LOVE it!
• I've given up on dressing my kids. I used to dress the boys in adorable matching gymboree outfits almost everyday when they were younger (thank you Nina). Now I'm happy if everyone has underwear on! For example, Jude's favorite outfit these days is blue and orange checkered pants with a red and blue striped shirt....totally on point!
• I fully intended on having the kids have Bible time and a separate reading time at least 4 days a week this summer....we've done that ONCE, I repeat ONCE this WHOLE summer.
• We paid a sweet, unassuming young man to detail our car this week. It took him ELEVEN hours!!!! It doesn't take that long to clean my house!!! Poor thing had no idea my children concoct disgusting creations and dump them in every crevice they can find. 
• If I take my children grocery shopping half of the food is opened because I'm trying to keep children quiet. It's a fun game for the cashier to see if she can find which bags will spill everywhere and which ones won't.
• I have a  house cleaner that comes every other week (God bless her!!!).
• Jude peed in the bed the other night. Instead of sweetly changing his pj's and remaking his bed I stripped him down, threw dry pj's at him and threw a blanket on the floor and said goodnight.  I was just happy I remembered to wash the sheets the next morning.
• My 4 year old was bellowing for me the other day and called me "mom butt face," very sweetly of course!
• I LOVE dumb reality tv and am HORRIBLE at making myself read. 
• I LOVE babies and HATE teenagers...this is going to present a problem very soon!
• I love wine, coffee and bedtime.

I could go on and on, but I'll spare you all. I hope this makes anyone who feels like they are failing at this mom thing feel a little bit better. I will say in the short, almost 8 years I've been doing this, I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. Some days are easier than others, but it makes my days more enjoyable if I can sit back, take a deep breath (or 20) and laugh. I mean seriously, if I've kept them alive for another day I feel like I've accomplished a goal for the day! Just remember, this isn't a competition, we are all doing the best we can and wine, their is always wine!

Teaching My Children To Fail

So, I know this title may sound weird, especially coming from a mom who should want her kids to have the best and not feel pain or sadness, but lately I've been thinking a lot about this. The idea that I want my children to be "good" at failing. You may be asking, "what does that even mean?!" Well, this is what it means to me...

It actually means a couple of things to me. First, I think in todays day in age we work a little too hard at making everyone a "winner." Like I said before, this is hard as a mom, but I don't want my kids to always win. If they are "winners" regardless of their effort what is the point. I have 5 children, they are all VERY different which means some are better at things than others. For example, Cole tends to be more athletic than Cooper. It's no secret to either boy that Cole is more athletic than Cooper, but instead of either not making a big deal about Cole's accomplishments athletically so we don't hurt Cooper's feelings, or trying to make everything "fair" (which means Cole doesn't do his best) so everyone is happy, we have chosen to talk about it. We noticed that Cooper would evaluate if he could win, or be the best, at the activity we were doing and if he felt like he couldn't he wouldn't even try. I get this, I do this! I don't want him to live that way though. I want him to try, I want him to work, and I want him to fail so that he will learn that it's OK! We want to teach our kids that we are not all good at everything.  This doesn't mean that we don't work super hard to be the best we can be at what we set our mind to, but it DOES mean, even if we didn't win or we weren't the best we cheer on those who did win or who are the best. This is life. It's been interesting to watch, recently I heard the boys chatting in the backseat. Coop told cole, "you are better at karate than me, but I'm better at spelling. That's ok! I'll help you spell better and you can show me some karate moves." My heart seriously melted!!! That's what I have prayed for, see the benefit of having someone "be" better than you, you don't have to be unkind or jealous to make yourself feel better, you can encourage and learn from them! I hope this teaches them that when they are adults they MUST work hard to get what they want, but they must also be kind and gracious. I want my kids to be each others (and others) biggest cheer leaders. I know some people say this could make them push overs, but I think it is the opposite, I think it will make them amazing leaders.

This leads to my second reason I want my kids to be good at failing. Being raised in a large family without a lot of discretionary income we learned really early that just because one of us got something doesn't mean the other was going to. My parents took it to another level, we not only didn't get what the other person got every time, but we needed to be happy about that! I think this comes easier to some than others. I so appreciate my parents instilling this and TRAINING us in this idea. I'm pretty sure my mom would let one of us get a "treat" and not the others to train us in how to respond correctly. She would say "guys, we are going to rejoice with those who rejoice." I didn't understand when I was younger what this meant, but I do now! This is hard for me because many times one child will get something at the store or as a gift and it's just easier to say "ok, whatever" then it is to say, "no,  today Jude is going to get something and not you and we are going to be happy for them," and deal with the subsequent tantrum. We are practicing this a lot lately (feel free to stare if you see me with a screaming child in target). I want my kids to learn that this world does NOT revolve around them. This means if Jude gets something, you work really hard at being happy for him. You're time will come, you lack for nothing, you will learn to be happy for others and not immediately think "when is it my turn?" I think this will serve them well in relationships as adults. I hope as they grow and as we "practice" this, my little humans will grow into the kind of people that love and encourage well, are grateful for what they have and not always looking at what others have and want it, or walk around with a scowl on their face thinking about how "life isn't fair." They'll know that, yup, life isn't fair and that's ok!!!

Celebrating "just" Jude at his disco dance party...that's a whole other blog post!!!!

PukeFest at the Zoo

If you have ever wondered what a stomach bug looks like in a large family, wonder no more! I'm not sure if it is the fact I was a pediatric nurse for 7 years (you were lucky if you got through a shift without some kind vomit escapade) or you just have to find humor in the disgusting our you'll cry. The last few days we had the delightful plague of the stomach bug at our house which we refer to as PukeFest. I've decided, for your entertainment, to share with you the less gory details of how a PukeFest plays out at the zoo. I'm going to give you a run down of how each one of the people in my family is unique....in how they puke. If you have ever had a sick kid or been around someone who is sick you find out that everyone pukes a little differently.

Clay- (he seems to have come out unscathed during this pukefest) Clay yells, like really yells. I asked him once why in the world he was so loud and he said he feels like if he yells while he pukes it will come out faster and therefore end sooner. I'm not sure if that is true, but everyone knows if he isn't feeling well.

Me-I'm sure I am the perfect puker =) Although, last night Jude had made his way into my room right as I felt the urge to purge. He took one look at what was happening and ran...faster than I've ever seen him run! Imagine the torture of puking, but also having the urge to laugh thinking about the thoughts running through my 3 year olds brain.

Cole-When Cole pukes picture the exorcist. While spewing he is yelling things like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?" "MAKE IT STOP!" "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING." It's super hard not to crack up at all this drama.

Cooper-envision a roaming dog. He gets on all fours, circles the area he's puking in and leaves his mark. Really not the most effective way of puking and trying to catch the moving puker to have him puke in a bowl is also pretty comical to watch.

Bailey Kate- Ironically BK is our best puker, gets up, pukes in the toilet (very quietly I might add), flushes the toilet and goes back to bed. She's SUPER needy in almost every other way, but she's a champ at puking.

Jude- I'm not sure if Jude's method of puking is because he is the 4th or it's just his technique. Jude usually sits up in bed, pukes somewhere on his bed then lays back down and goes back to sleep. I find this VERY disgusting and VERY convenient. Disgusting because cleaning up fresh puke is bad enough, dried puke is even worse, but let's be real, he didn't wake me up and I got a full night sleep.  During this last puke fest though he walked into my room to tell me he was going to puke and puked right in the doorway. As I said before,w I had the stomach bug too so I as not about to get up and clean that mess up. Clay was downstairs sleeping on the couch. He would have gladly helped, but he is a DEEP sleeper and the thought of walking downstairs to wake him up seemed like entirely too much work. So, what did I do, just cover it with a towel, tell everyone to jump over it like an obstacle course and I'd clean it up later. Disgusting yes, survival at its finest!
Rose- we'll see, currently she just opens her mouth and lets the goodness flow.

I'm sure you now feel like you have a better understanding of how this zoo works and you are also, now, feeling a little queasy yourself. You're Welcome!

Geneva Rose's Birth Story

So, this post is mostly for me. Let's be honest, being that Rose is the 5th child the likely-hood of me getting around to putting together a baby book before she is 30 is slim to none (I just made a photo book of Jude's birth and he is almost 4!). I've decided I'll blog Rose's birth story and one day we can put it in her baby book. So here goes....

I was due with Rose on March 30, but that date was "chosen" based on my 7 week ultrasound and not my cycle. My whole pregnancy I was convinced the date was wrong and my first due date of March 18 was the correct due date. Rose's pregnancy was, by far, my most challenging. I had morning sickness (mine usually came in the afternoon throughout the evening) for 16 solid weeks, I had horrible food aversion and random nausea the whole pregnancy, and never got the second trimester burst of energy. That coupled with raising and homeschooling 4 other kids definitely was "character building."

Three weeks leading up to Rose's birth I had been having contractions, as soon as I was about to call my Dr they would stop or lessen significantly. They often happened at night which did not help the already existing pregnancy induced insomnia. So, Tuesday night , March 24, I laid in bed at 9:30 and started having pretty painful, consistent contractions. At this point I was convinced I was never going to go into labor and the plan was I would just be induced that Saturday. So, I laid in bed...annoyed! I fell asleep about 10:30 and woke up to very painful contractions at 12:30. At 2:30, still having contractions 3-5 minutes apart I decided finding a babysitter at 3 am would be so annoying I would just try to go to sleep and deal with it in the morning. I woke up again at 5:30 with more contractions until 6:30, went back to sleep till 7:30 waking up with contractions that felt like braxton hicks contractions, still regular, but not strong. I was irritated, but this had been happening for weeks. I got up and got ready for the day. That particular day our cleaning lady was coming (I'd gladly skip a meal a day so I can pay someone to clean my house every other week!). The only problem was I have to get all the kids out of the house until 2, because it's pointless to have the mess makers hang around while the house cleaner is here.....as effective as brushing your teeth while eating oreos. So, I sat on the couch to make a plan while Clay loaded the car. I must have looked like death warmed over because Clay walked in and said, "I'm texting Davis (my Dr. who is also a family friend which sounds weird, but is actually awesome!). I said no way! The contractions aren't bad anymore and I don't want to use up all our childcare (my parents live 2 hours away and my Mother in law was in Israel) only to get sent home. Clay insisted and texted our Dr. He called back immediately, I told him about my night and he said that I was clearly in early labor and since I was planning my third VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) he'd rather me come in and be monitored than continue at home uncertain of my progress. I was SHOCKED! I have always gone in for inductions because my kids won't come out (I wouldn't either if I heard the craziness I was about to enter). I didn't have anything set up, I hadn't even finished packing my hospital bag! But to the hospital we headed.

So we pull up to the hospital. At this point we hadn't secured babysitters and I didn't want to use up all our help if I was just going it get sent home. You know you are having your fifth when your husband drops you off at the hospital curb and drives away. When I got to L&D the nurses asked me who was with me. I responded "nobody" not realizing how crazy that sounded. I then said, people are coming, just later...that didn't really change the shocked look on their face. I got hooked up in triage and was still having fairly consistent contractions. My Dr called and said to admit me and we were going to have a baby! Again, I was shocked! Clay dispersed children and came up a few hours later. I also called my mom and my best friend who both lived in Orlando, but were going to be with me for the birth. 

At about 1pm they hooked me up to pitocin and told me to walk because somehow the little stinker had "disengaged" and Davis didn't want to break my water until she had re-engaged. Now, my plan was, if I went into labor naturally I would try to have her without drugs (because at my ultrasound 5 days prior they said she was no more that 7 pounds 11 ounces). If I had to be induced I would get an epidural...well, I went into labor naturally, but needed to be helped along. Now, I had a c-section with Cole and epidurals with BK and Jude, I think they are AMAZING! You don't get a medal for having a baby without drugs, and as long as you get that human out of your body you have done your job and are an awesome mama! I just decided that because we aren't planning on having any more kids I wanted to give it a shot. And since she was supposed to be my smallest she was a good one to try for! Well, my mom knew (being that she has done this 5 times naturally) that if I really wanted to do this I needed a plan and a code word if I REALLY was serious and wanted an epidural. I had done crossfit until I was 8 months pregnant and one of the biggest things I learned was when heading into a really challenging WOD the only way to be successful was to have a plan, so, as crazy as it sounds I approached my labor as the worst WOD I'd ever do. My plan was once Davis broke my water I would labor for 2 hours with the hellish pitocin contractions and if I was 8 cm I would continue.  If I was less I would get an epidural. Well, Davis broke my water, I labored for an hour and a half with the help of my mom, Melanie and my sweet husband (who was completely against me doing this naturally because he can't stand to see me in pain). I got checked and was 7cm so I decided to keep going. That's when it got real. Holy cow, the contractions I had ever felt before were nothing compared to these. I found that the louder I got the less in control I felt (I love control) so ended up laboring sitting Indian style, rocking back and forth, and counting silently in my head until each torturous contraction was over. At about 6:30 I was convinced I needed to push, they checked me and I was only 8.5 cm. I labored for what felt like 10 hours (15 min) and I felt pressure so I called them back in...9cm. At this point I was done! I remember yelling "this hurts so effing bad!" Poor Clay was pacing and Melanie and mom were at either side gently coaching me through. I remember talking to myself in my head (after my mom said it) that holding still for an epidural at this point would be almost impossible and it probably wouldn't work, so I buckled down. I called one more time thinking I needed to push...nope, 9.5 cm. 

After, I have no idea how long, I all of the sudden had the uncontrollable urge to push, when I say uncontrollable I mean I had no control and I started pulling my moms arm off as I pushed. Clay ran and got Davis and the nurse. At this point I had "cried wolf" 3 times so they kind of mosied on in, the nurse checked me and yelled to Davis "the head is coming out!" Oops. Davis looked at me and said "stop pushing!" He was feverishly throwing on is gown and gloving up, but I couldn't stop! He finally got dressed and sat down, I pushed through one more contraction and Rose's head came out. At this point Davis must have realized she was huge because he made me stop pushing and wait for the next contraction to push the rest of her out. Let me just say, I have a new appreciation for Johnny Cash's song Ring of Fire. I remember thinking, "you are a grown-ass man (excuse my french) pull her OUT!" My next contraction came, he had to flip her and she was out. I remember hearing "She is HUGE!"  I also remember looking up and realizing my room was full of people, like at least 10 medical staff. The saying is true, in the throws of labor you could walk a marching band through my room and I could care less as long as you get that baby out. They laid Rose on my chest and I got to do skin to skin for a good hour. She was perfect! Tiny button nose,  white hair, and FAT! 

Geneva Rose Nettles entered the world on March 25 at 7:38pm weighing in at 9 pounds 8 ounces and 21 3/4 inches...like I said, I'm pretty sure she we was 1 week late based on those stats. All in all, that was BY FAR the hardest and most painful thing I have EVER done, but I'm so glad I did it....though I never want to do it again =)

 Meeting my girl for the first time! Pretty sure she is giving me the stink eye for what I just put her through =)

 I think she was as shocked as we were at her size!

 First picture with mommy and daddy.

Geneva Rose

My friend of 19 years who was a huge help getting me through labor!

Mimi (and a huge support always and through labor!) with her second grand girl

Trouble!!! 

 First picture as a family of 7!!!

 This boy loves his little sister

 Heading home outfit, Bailey Kate wore this dress home and the sweater was knit for Diane because she thought her firstborn was a girl.

 Heading to the zoo!!! It's about to get real!

One of my favorite pictures! I couldn't imagine doing life without this man.