So, if you walk around with me and the zoo for any period of time you will hear "you have your hands full" or something along those lines. I usually just laugh it off and keep moving. The more I hear the more self control I have to use to not say "thanks for that captain obvious!"
As annoying as that statement can be I was feeling all the weight of "having my hands full" at the beginning of this school year. I'm not sure if it was adding another little human to the chaos, or just life. I felt myself waking up in the morning not wanting the day to start because all I could see was the unending to do list. I felt like every day was a weird kind of groundhogs day. A million tasks, all very much the same as the day before, but still a heavy weight on my shoulders to check them off the list. With all that I had to accomplish in a day I felt like if I accomplished one thing I was failing at another. I would end my day falling into bed thinking of all the things I missed, messed up, or just completely failed at. I realized I was trudging through my day with a scowl on my face, snapping at my little people to "hurry up," "just focus on your task and finish," or "just do it, I just want to be done." I felt myself with my shoulders hunched in stress and literally viewing the sweetness of my children and time I spend with them as a task. I was viewing this season as a task to check off my list….and then I would feel like an even bigger failure.
I used the Christmas break to reflect on all of this and the ache of failure and stress that was weighing me down. I felt the Lord impress on my heart over and over, "I will equip you for what I have called you." I started to feel my shoulders relax and the pressure and my to do list lessen its weight. Though none of my circumstances changed, none of my tasks lessened, I definitely didn't have less children, I felt a rebirth of sorts. I felt like I had rediscovered the joy in my mundane. This doesn't mean anything got easier per se, it just means I was reminded that in this super short season of life (or any season of life) I have to daily take a breath and remember what is important. I still like order and a clean house, I still have to do school with the kids, and nurse a hungry baby, and exercise so that I can stay healthy and take care of this zoo, I still have to cook dinner, and etc, but I AM ENOUGH! My savior has equipped me for which he has called me. I AM ENOUGH because what I can accomplish in a day is not where my worth is found. My value is not determined by what I can do, but what my Savior has done for me.
By God's grace I have been able to rest in this season. Oh the joy I have found. The sweet snuggles of my children. Watching my children learn. Making my home a place we all want to be. Their are many days where I start to feel the pressure of the days tasks, but I literally say "I am doing the BEST that I can do," take a deep breath and move on. This probably means when you see me some, or all of us, will look a hot mess, or when we climb out of the car things fall out with us, but hopefully you will also see a big smile on our faces.
I write this as a reminder to myself, so that when I start to feel overwhelmed I will remember to take a breath and CHOOSE joy. I also write this so that you, whoever reads this, whatever stage of life you are in will know that YOU ARE ENOUGH! You are right where the Lord wants you. What will you choose, will you choose to wake up tomorrow with the weight of the day and all you MUST do, going to bed replaying all the ways you have failed? Or, will you wake in the mooring and CHOOSE joy, joy doesn't mean jumping out of bed singing and dancing (BK might do this on the ergs), but it does mean resting in where God has you and remembering that He has equipped you for what He has called you today! Rest in this hope and joy!
